Sinner

Riding in a group is "herd mentality" we follow the leader and we don't want to be left behind. There is strength in numbers and nobody wants to be left on their own. Plus, misery loves company, and we all know that riding into a punishing headwind is no fun. Especially when you are doing it alone knowing that your "friends" or "that group" is just up the road. Unwilling to wait or stop just for a min or two. Jackasses.

I abhor this. I believe in "no Man left behind". I will double back to help out a rider in trouble, offer a helping hand, water, gels, companionship. I have always,  well since I was strong enough to be a "Shepard", tried to help riders in trouble. I have been in that place before, you know the one where you are getting dropped and you can no longer hang onto the wheel in front of you. Alarm bells going off, legs feeling hollow, lights dimming, we have all been there, it's a lonely place. I know, I lived there for years and when I used to ride with the boys in Tulsa. Those guys are horribly fast, and tough.

Yesterday I committed a cardinal sin. I left a rider behind. Worse yet, I said that I would not do it. Promised. I did the very thing that I can not stand other riders doing. I am the worst kind of hypocrite. I have preached against the very act that I would never condone, but yet became an offender of my own convictions.

The only question I have of myself is Why? Why would I do such a thing? I have no excuse, I have no answer. All I can say is that I was so in the "red" that I did not know what I was doing. Race Brain. That sounds like the best excuse I can come up with. But. And this is a big But. I really think that it was ego. I was afraid to show weakness in the herd. I did not want anyone to "think" that I was not as awesome as I see myself. I did not want to be perceived as "not fast, not good, not awesome, not a racer". It's because I care about what people think about me. Crap.

I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself, but my ego got the best of me and I felt like I needed to prove something to the herd. I don't need to prove anything to the herd, I needed to be bigger than my ego and help a fellow cyclist. I failed me. I failed my view of what it means to be a cyclist. I failed my fellow man.

I feel shame, and I am sorry. I know better.